Scott says: Time is a mean mouse trap. Mean because its the kind of mouse trap that leaves you broken, but alive. Flipping and flopping, trying to figure your way free. It traps us all sooner or later, but when your time is defined for you (say by a diagnosis that leaves you much less time than you thought you had), the boundaries of the trap come into much sharper focus. Painfully sharp focus. And even though you know the trap is there, you stick your head right in every time because time is so easily taken for granted. Nothing flows so freely past, and the more that flows past, the easier it is for still more to get by without being noticed or appreciated or observed. It slips right by and before you know it you have lost days, weeks, months, and years. Lifetimes.
I had a particularly nasty time trap experience back in December. We were traveling somewhere and staying in a hotel. As we were headed through the lobby, I saw a news paper with a little scruffy guy on the lower corner of the front page-The Lorax. Not only was this one of my favorite books, but I’d read it to the boys hundreds of times. I couldn’t wait to see what had the Lorax in the news. Once we got to the room, I jumped on the bed, turned right to the article and I was thrilled to learn that The Lorax was being made into a big movie with Danny DeVito voicing the Lorax himself. How great would it be to get to see this movie with my boys? But when I got to the end of the article, the trap snapped shut. The movie wasn’t expected out till summer of 2012. 2012 might as well have been a million years off. 18 months was 3 times my life expectancy.
I cried for a while, a good while, right there on the bed, hidden behind a newspaper I was now only pretending to read. But I rode it out (didn’t hurt that we were in the middle of a great vacation). Dug my way back out of the closed trap and pushed on. That’s what you have to do to keep living, fight your way forward toward the life your prognosis says you don’t get to have.
Time is the trap. Your future is the cheese. Any time you reach for the cheese you risk the trap closing on you. You have to live in the present, but again, it is so easy to get dragged into the future. Only to feel the SNAP of the the trap closing again. It might be the reminder from a doctor that you have already lived past your expiration date. Could be an innocent comment from a friend that just wants to make plans to visit. Or it could be the oncologist coming in and telling you that the chemo that had worked well enough to allow you to take time for granted has stopped working. SNAP!
I guess in some ways the trap is a good thing. Maybe the SNAP is the reminder that I’m still alive. The fact that I can be caught in it again means that I have lived long enough to forget about the last time I got caught in it. It means that I’m living long enough to get over bad scan results and failed chemo combinations. It certainly makes life tougher in some respects, but a tough life with Marisa, Cole, and Max is way better than anything without them.
And who knows? Summer of 2012 is only 9 months or so away. Maybe we will get to see the Lorax together. SNAP!
Pray Big!
Scott
My Crappy Pancreas 
It is a joy to have Cole with me this year. He is such a sweet, caring soul. You and your family are in my daily prayers…..
to give you strength and for healing.
Be together, love each other, and hug and smooch a lot! : )
Family is everything.
Warmest regards,
Leigh
Comment by Leigh Cook — August 31, 2011 @ 11:16 am |
A powerful and moving entry, Scott… We are all praying big around here and your strength, faith, courage, and fortitude continue to amaze me. You have unknowingly been a gift to all of us. Stay strong and fight the fight! – Cindi Gibbs-Wilborn
Comment by Cindi Gibbs-Wilborn — August 31, 2011 @ 11:50 am |
Scott, I am also a big fan on The Lorax and have read it so much to my boys that I still have the first 5 or so pages memorized. I believe you will get to see the movie (even though the books are always better than the movies) and will continue to pray that the cheese will stay within your grasp. Many blessings to you and your family!
Comment by Melissa & John Starkey — August 31, 2011 @ 12:19 pm |
Scott, I have followed your blog since its inception. And I was really moved by the honesty and candor of your latest post. I liked your comment, “Maybe the SNAP is the reminder that I’m still alive.” It makes me want to change SNAP to mean (S)urviving (N)ow is (A)lways a (P)ossibility. Thank you for sharing. May you, Marissa and the boys be blessed.
Comment by Jennifer Roberts — August 31, 2011 @ 2:06 pm |
Can I just say I lov this post. I have been following your post for a while. I was diagnosed in February and like you I have lived past my expectancy. I actually feel better now than when I started. Sure I am weaker and more tired than I used to be but other than that my life is somewhat normal. But as early as June I was sad that my only child was finishing elementary school and would be starting middle school in the fall. OH SNAP. Would I be here to see that? I didn’t know. But now it has come and passed and I am still here. I thank God for that. My markers have dropped from over 9000 to 240 at last check so chemo is working. Thanks for this real post. i too am blogging my experiences in fighting this disease (this lion). I had a dream before it all started. A dream I wrote down and sent to one friend because I felt I dreamed it for a purpose and I did. If interested in my blog you will find it at http://www.foreverfitinmy40s.blogspot.com
I set that up to try to lose weight one time. Oh well I am doing that now just in a different way. I always end my blog with Keep praying and Keep Looking up! Reminds be of yours.
Tammy Wright
Comment by Tammy Wright — August 31, 2011 @ 2:37 pm |
Scott – you a such a beautiful, eloquent writer. I thank you for sharing so intimately – you affect beyond knowing those of us who read your posts. Big love, big hugs, big prayers to you and your family. You are amazing!
Comment by Alicia Zambelli — August 31, 2011 @ 5:05 pm |
Scott —
Thank you for your wonderful post.
Your lesson about time is a tough one, and one I got a small taste of 10 years ago on 9/11/01. I will never forget getting onto Rt 17 South here in Ramsey, cresting the hill, and seeing a mushroom cloud where the Twin Towers should have been — I felt like I’d been punched. I’ll never forget stories like what happened to a colleague of Guy’s — the young, go-getter son got in early that day to prep for a meeting, while his established-executive father went in later. The son perished, the father survived. Stories of people surviving for reasons from the ludicrous (hungover from Monday Night Football and missed the regular train) to the sublime (dropping their kids off for the first day of school). September 11th taught a lot of us that horrible things can happen to good people for no reason — snap! — and so you’ve got to live your life as thoughtfully as possible. I try to do good and to be good every day, and part of that is making sure that the people I love and respect know that I love and respect them.
My God, I am impressed with how you and Marisa are handling this horrible disease. I am in tears over the role model you provide to your sons — no matter what happens, they will know that you fought hard every day to be with them, and that you valued them and the time you spent with them and Marisa beyond measure. You know how precious time is, and I know you’re not wasting it, even if you take the occasional break from the knowledge of your mortality.
Doctors say you’ve lived past your expiration date? Damn straight! Doctors may be surprised, but I’m not. You have so much to live for (Lorax movie, anyone?), and so many people rooting for you and praying big, that OF COURSE you’re still here! You’re not a yogurt, after all… you’re an incredible fighter!
In awe, and with love,
Kim
Comment by Kim Karman Dobson — August 31, 2011 @ 8:35 pm |
Scott,
Thanks for sharing from deep inside your soul. Can’t wait to read your post about the night at the Lorax movie. Will have to see if Bryan and Nicholas Aaron have that book. Sounds like a great first b-day gift for the little man. Will keep the prayer chain coming from Iowa.
Dianne & Larry
Comment by Dianne — August 31, 2011 @ 10:12 pm |
Thanks for the perspective and reality check You, Marisa and the boys are always in our thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting, keeping experiencing life to the fullest, keep teaching us that every minute counts. Love you all Aunt Joyce
Comment by Aunt Joyce — September 1, 2011 @ 7:55 am |
My family and I continue to pray for your healing. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your blog has been a true blessing. We will continue to pray for your absolute and complete healing and that may GOD bless you and your family.
Comment by Rina — September 1, 2011 @ 10:47 am |
Scott, have you looked into the pancreatic clinical trials going on on in major medical centers? I am participating in one at Johns Hopkins and I know that the National; Institutes of Health have several for advanced Pa Ca patients. Sorry I have to make this shor My typig skills have deteriorated since I developed neuropathy in fingers toes. If you are interested, contact Dr. Stephen Rosenberg at NIH. Karen
Comment by Karen — September 1, 2011 @ 2:53 pm |
Hi Scott, I had been following your blog since my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last June. I know how hard it is to look to the future, and I want you to know that I am praying for you. God is almighty and He can heal, you just need to pray hard everyday, all the day. Having faith that He is listening and He can do it! I also wanted to tell you that we are giving to my dad natural supplements, together with the folfirinox treatment and he is doing great. Maybe you want to try it. He is taking graviola extract 3 times a day, and 1000mg of curcumin (turmeric), 2 times a day. Aloe in tea is great for upset stomach and he also takes 1000mg of vitamin C. I know it sounds a lot, but we made a schedule and it is pretty easy to follow. Graviola and curcumin have anticarcigenic properties, I found a link in the Memorial kettering-sloan cancer center that has information about all kinds of natural herbs. I hope you find this info usefull, if you need any other info, let me know!
Comment by ive — September 3, 2011 @ 12:34 am |
Scott, thank you for this beautiful post, and even more than that, for your friendship and inspiration. You are such a role model not just to your incredible children, but also to your friends and followers of this blog who so admire you even though they’ve never met you. We’re of course praying BIG.
Comment by Leslie Overton — September 11, 2011 @ 11:59 am |
Scott,
We don’t know each other, at least not other than perhaps name, but I found this blog after Mike Montico shared it with me. Tico and I rode together to the game this weekend. I am an Albion ATO, class of 96, 92-95 football. I know you as The Allmighty from all the guys who played with you. I’m going to take that request, “pray big,” and send some your way, hope the Big Allmighty looks out for you. This post is excellent. I hope you get to see the Lorax. One of my favorites too. The Lorax is a book of hope. I hope you get to see it.
Jared Wood, VTL
Comment by woodjared — September 27, 2011 @ 9:35 pm |
Hi,,,just hoping you guys are still hanging in there! Your post resonates with my brother’s thoughts…ski season pass renewals in the mail,,,snap!
You are in my thoughts and prayers…hope all is well with you xxx
Comment by sister — September 29, 2011 @ 7:41 am |